Trying to find center

My world changed on March 18th, when San Francisco Mayor London Breed announced a shelter-in-place for the City. Even though I work across the Bay in Concord, everyone in our office knew the rest of Northern California would follow San Francisco’s lead. We all stood in stunned silence in the common area outside our offices contemplating what this would mean. Our company owns and operates four large retail automotive dealerships and two collision centers. Over 600 employees.

It wasn’t long before the entire Bay Area shut down. Everyone had to stay home. Most everything closed. Only essential workers were allowed to head to work. Because I work in internal and external communications for our company, I was deemed essential. I continued my daily commute on nearly empty California freeways, helping our company navigate shuttering the dealerships and furloughing employees.

I was very busy those first few weeks getting Covid-19 messaging up on our websites, shutting down outbound email campaigns and other marketing, getting signage up on our stores and strategizing with the executive team on next steps. Our service departments were allowed to remain open with limited hours and staffs and ever evolving facility and sanitization protocols. We scrambled to set up new virtual ways to interact with our service customers. Each day, I was immersed in news about the pandemic. Between official government updates, I found myself checking the news online many times each day and watching it every night on television.

Once the White House press briefings started happening on a regular basis, I expected to get some comfort. I was hoping that there would be some clear messaging there. Some leadership. It soon became clear that would not be the case. I stopped watching them. They made me feel anxious, confused and often angry.

I’ve always been a bit of a germaphobe and frequent hand washer anyway and I was not at all comfortable with any of this. I stopped going out for lunch during the week, packing my own and bringing it in. I have not done take out from restaurants either since that day Mayor Breed made her announcement. I had a good supply of face masks, left over from the North Bay wildfires a few years ago. And I bought some isopropyl alcohol and a few plastic spray bottles. I wear plastic gloves when I pump gas into my car and throw them away at the station when I am done.

Everyone at the office has been good about social distancing and wearing masks in the common areas. Those who can work from home have been doing so. My first few trips to the grocery store were pretty incident free. Trader Joe’s and the little market near where I live figured it out pretty quickly and Californians are pretty good about watching out for one another. We’re all in this together I thought.

I lost most all interest in taking photographs in March and early April. I finally decided to shoot up some film in my yard, taking snaps of my flowers and various other things around the house. Rather than inspire me, the backyard photography made me feel claustrophobic and isolated. I really longed for the days when I could wander the beach or a crowded downtown with my camera.

Weekdays are easier for me than weekends. My weekday routine is up early and into the office. It’s one Zoom meeting after another. I get home and eat some dinner. I’ve stopped watching regular television, retreating into the world of You Tube instead…photography videos mostly and, interestingly enough…music from the 1970s, clips from old television shows…relics of simpler times.

On weekends, I always head into Friday hoping to find my center. I try and get out and walk some, doing the Covid-19 dance when I approach a neighbor, eye-smiling through our masks. I also try and sleep in a bit, but find that my Saturday and Sunday morning sleep-ins are littered with terrible nightmares that I have to shake myself awake to escape from.

I headed downtown once with my Hasselblad thinking I would get some shots of Napa under lockdown. Even though we were not supposed to drive anywhere to walk, I figured no one would care. By the time I parked, guilt overcame me and I never even turned the car off. Went back home and shot the film up in my backyard.

Flowers over the fence. Hasselblad 500cm, 80 Zeiss Planar, Kodak Ektar 100

The last few times I stopped at Trader Joe’s, not everyone in line was wearing a mask. Those who refused to wear one were denied entry into the store and in one case, it got ugly. We all had our fingers on our iPhones ready to call 911, but the rebel backed down before it became necessary to call in reinforcements.

They are relaxing restrictions more and more here in California. This weekend, some restaurants opened up for dine in. I went out for a drive yesterday to check out the sidewalk seating. Some of the places looked compliant. Others looked very crowded and I’d say only about 40% of the people I saw anywhere were wearing masks.

I hope this thing continues to tamp down and that a vaccine is available sooner rather than later. Right now though, I just feel we are all part of a big experiment to see what happens. I am going to continue to be overly cautious. That is my choice.

I have found comfort in some things. I have gone through all of my photo gear and organized everything. I have exercised all of my cameras to keep them in good order. I listed half a dozen or so that I don’t shoot often enough online and sold them all, putting some decent funds into my Paypal account. I had one of my Hasselblad film backs repaired. Got a nifty lens hood for my OM Zuiko 50mm lens. Learned how to use my Sekonic L-398a Studio Deluxe light meter to its fullest. And made some good progress on my little home darkroom I am setting up.

When my world is centered, I sleep well, rarely have a bad dream and can’t wait to grab a camera and head outdoors. It’s all off center right now. And that’s damn unnerving.